How To Be An Obnoxious Whore

by Dave on May 13, 2008

Simple Tips For The Politely Inclined
This Lesson: The School Library

Step 1:
Remember that where ever people go, they like to be unobtrusive, leave a small foot print and generally not be a disturbance to others: That being said, it's the most important thing for you to forget. The first step to becoming an obnoxious twenty-something with an attitude like she runs the place is to bring all your shit with you, where ever you go. That's not just your simple hand bag, but usually a coat you're not wearing, a huge umbrella you don't need but thought you might because it looked a little cloudy, an iPhone you don't know how to use (or a Sidekick you know all to well how to use) and of course, your larger non-hand bag -- you know, the one that holds a pharmacy of drugs. You get an extra ten points if you can replace your larger bag with a tote for your 'dog'. An extra twenty five points can be added if you remember all of the above, but forget to wear underwear under your painfully short skirt.

Step 2:
In a public place, namely, the university library, it's important to remember that the rules posted on the walls clearly aren't for you. That probably wont be a problem since you'll be too caught up checking your Sidekick to read it anyway.

Step 3:
Once in the library, try and find yourself a computer. The first thing you should do is make a shit load of noise by dropping your largest bag like it weighed as heavy as a thousand suns. Then throw your coat on the chair next to you, invade the cubicle spaces around you, and clack your long manicured nails on the keyboard. Log into MySpace, forgot that the volume is up on the computer, and immediately load up someones page that has ghetto-rap music as its main song. Then burst out obnoxiously loud at some stupid inside joke, look around at everyone with an attitude that says "I'm not really sorry, but maybe if you were this cool you could find it funny too" and then plug in your head phones in effort to appease the jackals of people who already would love to tear you limb from limb.

Step 4:
One your headphones are on, it's a good time to reach into your mega bag and pull out whatever designer water you've been drinking lately. Make sure you leave the cap off so you're prone to accidents.

Step 5:
While drinking water, make sure you turn the volume up really loud so sound leaks from your headphones. If you listen to Indian music, good news, bollywood crap leaks like it's its fucking job. If you're listening to gangster rap, remember to mouth the words while you're browsing the MySpace page, completely oblivious that the volume is too loud.
Remember to keep your face glued to the screen, as to give the illusion that you're doing nothing wrong, and to avoid the glares of angry patrons around you who clearly don't share your taste in anything.

Step 6:
Now would be the perfect time to log into whatever instant messaging client you prefer. Chances are that you can type pretty fast (although not in actual English), and with your long nails and the clack of the keyboard, the cacophony from your symphony of 'LOL' and 'u no how i do' and 'lol wut? i luv u' will drive people to the brink of insanity.

Step 7:
If you hadn't already thought about it when you walked into the library, now is the perfect time to attempt to have a conversation on your cell phone. The best part about this is that you're most likely in a low-signal area (being in a building and all) and you'll think that talking louder will increase reception. When your ring tone for whatever popular rap song this week goes off, remember to let it ring for a second longer than it has to because 'it's your jam'. Pick up the phone and start your conversation. Talk into your lap, to give the illusion you're trying to be polite, but don't actually change the volume of your voice. Make sure to end all conversation with men with a falsetto "bye papi!" and all conversations with women with "bitch, u crazyyyy! haha".

Step 8:
When your phone conversation is over, it means that you're done spending time in the library. Remember to double the amount of noise you made putting your stuff down, as you collect your things. Walk out in a rush, as if the clearly unimportant phone call you just received told you life threatening news. Be sure to check your reflection in the glass as you exit, but don't hold the door open for anyone -- you're holding too much stuff. Let the door slam.

Conclusion:
If you've successfully completed all of these things, congratulations! You're certified in Library whoredom.
If you could only accomplish one, or few of these things, don't worry, people still found you annoying enough to comment on after you left.

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